Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
