I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
