Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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