I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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