Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
