it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
