My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
