No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
