I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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