On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
