he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize