I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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