sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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