The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
