So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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