I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
