just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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