The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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