I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
