her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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