he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just found puke in my bra..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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