Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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