im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
