have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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