my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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