This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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