I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
