??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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