Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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