last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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