Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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