I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My liver just broke up with me...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
