So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
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Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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