dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
