I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm getting married
To pizza
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
