i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
