If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
