I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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