About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
