Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
All I want is dick and wine.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
