He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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