just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
