he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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