do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I want a musical about memes.
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