Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
