she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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