What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It's never too late to be topless.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize