She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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