Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
