I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
