did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
