Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Randomize
