sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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