I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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