The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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