I heard we made out
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
