I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
