i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
