Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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