my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
