hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
