So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
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I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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